I am super stressed at work and overwhelmed with 5 million things to do because I always load a pile of things on my plate. I have unrealistic expectations for myself, which is fine. But, I get annoyed when others have unrealistic expectations of me. Just because I'm reliable and productive, does not mean that you can live vicariously through me or coerce me into doing the job of 3 people. GTFO.
Something has got to give and I don't know what. I feel like my life stays on amber alert.
I feel like a robot and being the 80s baby that I am, I have now named myself Vicki from Small Wonder. Do you remember this show?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Reappearing from the Depths of....
I haven't blogged in over a year because my life literally fell apart last year.
At the end of 2008, I knew that I had to desperately get myself and my life back together. You can't let adversity overcome you or stunt your growth. But, let me tell you that life can throw some SERIOUS curve balls to fuck your head up.
The weird thing about life and growing older is that you continue to learn and realize that a lot of shit is about smokes and mirrors. People only let you see what they want you to see. You really never know a person. And that is a very scary thing.
But, so is life. We have to roll with the punches and trust that whoever is looking over us has a greater plan. This too shall pass.
Although the general outlook for 2009 is gloom and doom in the media, I'm looking forward to putting back together the pieces of the puzzle of my life.
I'm looking forward to try to be the best that I can in all that I do and live out my dreams. I'm tired of being stunted by my own insecurities and life's circumstances.
I'm going to STOP looking in the past for answers. I have to look toward the future and forge full speed ahead.
The past is the past and needs to stay there. 2007 and 2008 were very difficult years for me and I plan to continue on my journey of loving myself first and reaching for the stars.
At the end of 2008, I knew that I had to desperately get myself and my life back together. You can't let adversity overcome you or stunt your growth. But, let me tell you that life can throw some SERIOUS curve balls to fuck your head up.
The weird thing about life and growing older is that you continue to learn and realize that a lot of shit is about smokes and mirrors. People only let you see what they want you to see. You really never know a person. And that is a very scary thing.
But, so is life. We have to roll with the punches and trust that whoever is looking over us has a greater plan. This too shall pass.
Although the general outlook for 2009 is gloom and doom in the media, I'm looking forward to putting back together the pieces of the puzzle of my life.
I'm looking forward to try to be the best that I can in all that I do and live out my dreams. I'm tired of being stunted by my own insecurities and life's circumstances.
I'm going to STOP looking in the past for answers. I have to look toward the future and forge full speed ahead.
The past is the past and needs to stay there. 2007 and 2008 were very difficult years for me and I plan to continue on my journey of loving myself first and reaching for the stars.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
One Drop
Happy New Year everyone!
I'm late in the game as usual. Life has been so crazy that you wouldn't even want to know what's going on.
Anyway, an associate of mine had a falling out. She's white and engaged to a black British guy of African descent. We had this conversation in which she stated that she didn't understand why everyone keeps calling Barack Obama a Black man. Since his mom is white, he's biracial. She then went on to say that she doesn't want her kids denying her and wants them to identify as biracial and not black.
Now, I acknowledge that every individual has a right to forge their own identity. But, I flipped it and said, look, I'm black and no matter who in the hell I have kids with (if the dude is black, white, asian, latino, etc) - my children will always be black. If you are visibly black or mixed with black in society, you will have a different experience than your non-black counterparts. And this other experience is part of the black experience.
Furthermore, we products of the African diaspora are all mixed to some degree, so there isn't any mathematical equation to decide blackness. What makes someone who is light skinned more black than a so-called biracial person? Again, to each his own. IF people want to identify as biracial - then whatever.
But, I know that race mixing and having an all brown society does not solve anything. Look at Brazil and Latin America - they have 5 million names to describe every shade of brown skin and to deny or stray far away from blackness.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. So, the girl got pissed that I told her that she won't be able to relate to many of the experiences of her future children and that I dont' think it's a good idea to put this biracial pressure on the kids.
All I know is that in my personal experience, mixed kids with black mothers, didn't seem so confused about holding onto their blackness. And I can't imagine my future children trying to put themselves in an ambiguous third/ "other" category.
The beauty of black people is that we come in many shades and colors and this is a part of the black experience, which does encompass the biracial experience as well - IMHO. But, again, I could be wrong.
I'm late in the game as usual. Life has been so crazy that you wouldn't even want to know what's going on.
Anyway, an associate of mine had a falling out. She's white and engaged to a black British guy of African descent. We had this conversation in which she stated that she didn't understand why everyone keeps calling Barack Obama a Black man. Since his mom is white, he's biracial. She then went on to say that she doesn't want her kids denying her and wants them to identify as biracial and not black.
Now, I acknowledge that every individual has a right to forge their own identity. But, I flipped it and said, look, I'm black and no matter who in the hell I have kids with (if the dude is black, white, asian, latino, etc) - my children will always be black. If you are visibly black or mixed with black in society, you will have a different experience than your non-black counterparts. And this other experience is part of the black experience.
Furthermore, we products of the African diaspora are all mixed to some degree, so there isn't any mathematical equation to decide blackness. What makes someone who is light skinned more black than a so-called biracial person? Again, to each his own. IF people want to identify as biracial - then whatever.
But, I know that race mixing and having an all brown society does not solve anything. Look at Brazil and Latin America - they have 5 million names to describe every shade of brown skin and to deny or stray far away from blackness.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. So, the girl got pissed that I told her that she won't be able to relate to many of the experiences of her future children and that I dont' think it's a good idea to put this biracial pressure on the kids.
All I know is that in my personal experience, mixed kids with black mothers, didn't seem so confused about holding onto their blackness. And I can't imagine my future children trying to put themselves in an ambiguous third/ "other" category.
The beauty of black people is that we come in many shades and colors and this is a part of the black experience, which does encompass the biracial experience as well - IMHO. But, again, I could be wrong.
Monday, November 12, 2007
What does loving oneself really signify?
I'm an overthinker. I've been thinking so much lately that I've been too tired/ busy to blog. I need to check up on what's going out in the blogosphere.
I've had the minor revelation that self-acceptance is the key to loving oneself. Instead of always living for the future and how things will change if and when I do this, that, and the other thing, I need to accept who I am now as I am. I've really spent the last ten years trying to find myself, although I wasn't lost. I've always been goal-driven and had big aspirations and I'm quite ambitious. But, I'm as fickle as they come. You'll never meet someone who changes their mind as quickly as I do and runs the gamut of emotions. I can follow through and complete whatever I choose to begin, however, it takes me 5 million years to finally make a decision. Then counter this with the fact that I have a kind of obsessive personality. I obsess over any and everything. I'm obsessed with lipgloss, lotion, cream, body scrub, my dogs, my clothes, my hair, my education, my family, my culture, my reproductive system, my health, my family's health, my wrinkles and crows feet that don't yet exist, my skin, my teeth, my feet, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, my hair color, my shoes, my travels, my career, my past, my present, and my future. Anyone who encounters me and thinks I'm laid-back, OBVIOUSLY does not know me well.
I must accept this about myself. I am very flexible and mutable. I love/ need/ embrace change. I always end up being miserable when I try to change this aspect of myself. I become miserable when I try to please others who do not accept me as I am.
Being constantly miserable is no way to live. If I choose myself first and accept myself before I compromise myself for others, I will be truly happy.
I'm feeling happier right now than I have in almost 4 years.
I've had the minor revelation that self-acceptance is the key to loving oneself. Instead of always living for the future and how things will change if and when I do this, that, and the other thing, I need to accept who I am now as I am. I've really spent the last ten years trying to find myself, although I wasn't lost. I've always been goal-driven and had big aspirations and I'm quite ambitious. But, I'm as fickle as they come. You'll never meet someone who changes their mind as quickly as I do and runs the gamut of emotions. I can follow through and complete whatever I choose to begin, however, it takes me 5 million years to finally make a decision. Then counter this with the fact that I have a kind of obsessive personality. I obsess over any and everything. I'm obsessed with lipgloss, lotion, cream, body scrub, my dogs, my clothes, my hair, my education, my family, my culture, my reproductive system, my health, my family's health, my wrinkles and crows feet that don't yet exist, my skin, my teeth, my feet, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, my hair color, my shoes, my travels, my career, my past, my present, and my future. Anyone who encounters me and thinks I'm laid-back, OBVIOUSLY does not know me well.
I must accept this about myself. I am very flexible and mutable. I love/ need/ embrace change. I always end up being miserable when I try to change this aspect of myself. I become miserable when I try to please others who do not accept me as I am.
Being constantly miserable is no way to live. If I choose myself first and accept myself before I compromise myself for others, I will be truly happy.
I'm feeling happier right now than I have in almost 4 years.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Something New
This week was bananas. I'm exhausted. Finally got around to writing my comments on the last few posts. I woke up with a little bit of a headache/ hangover from drinking lots of wine last night.
Anyway, I'm taking my baby toe back out of the dating game. Unless I encounter someone who is over the top and exceptional, I don't even want to date/ hang out with some mediocre or below guy. I don't care if it's not serious, and dating is just dating. It takes energy for me to sit there and pretend to be interested in an ambitionless and aimless idle person.
The other day someone asked me if I had started Christmas shopping yet. Was that a joke? It's not that serious for me, I don't have a husband nor do I have kids. I don't have nieces and nephews either. So, I'm straight. Xmas is for kids and there aren't any kids in my life. Sweet!
So, I was talking to my co-worker and she was telling me that she doesn't believe people should get married until they are in theirs 30s. I told her that I do agree, but getting married (for the first time) in your 30s is a double-edged sword because you are more comfortable in yourself, but then many people feel pressured into rushing to have children and don't get to spend as much time with their partner. I want to have 3-5 years of alone time with my fiance/ husband. I'm selfish, I understand that being a parent is a huge responsibility and you have to give up so much of yourself.
Anyway, ski season is approaching and I want to go snowboarding for the first time. I've always been afraid to go snowboarding, but that's something I definitely want to try. I'm trying to get into new things.
How about you? Anything new that you want to try, do, or see?
Anyway, I'm taking my baby toe back out of the dating game. Unless I encounter someone who is over the top and exceptional, I don't even want to date/ hang out with some mediocre or below guy. I don't care if it's not serious, and dating is just dating. It takes energy for me to sit there and pretend to be interested in an ambitionless and aimless idle person.
The other day someone asked me if I had started Christmas shopping yet. Was that a joke? It's not that serious for me, I don't have a husband nor do I have kids. I don't have nieces and nephews either. So, I'm straight. Xmas is for kids and there aren't any kids in my life. Sweet!
So, I was talking to my co-worker and she was telling me that she doesn't believe people should get married until they are in theirs 30s. I told her that I do agree, but getting married (for the first time) in your 30s is a double-edged sword because you are more comfortable in yourself, but then many people feel pressured into rushing to have children and don't get to spend as much time with their partner. I want to have 3-5 years of alone time with my fiance/ husband. I'm selfish, I understand that being a parent is a huge responsibility and you have to give up so much of yourself.
Anyway, ski season is approaching and I want to go snowboarding for the first time. I've always been afraid to go snowboarding, but that's something I definitely want to try. I'm trying to get into new things.
How about you? Anything new that you want to try, do, or see?
Thursday, November 1, 2007
My Mind is All Over the Place
Firstly, I need to respond to the comments in the last couple of previous posts. But, my mind hasn't been right, so I haven't. I shall within the next 72 hours.
Secondly, I'm all late in the game, but I just saw Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married and dude has stepped up his game 98 fold. I actually enjoyed it, although, I'm not a fan of Janet as an actress, she does not evoke enough emotion for me. But, Jill did well. I was feeling that movie.. crying and laughing. I don't relate to any particular character, but I feel my matinee money was spent well, albeit late in the season.
I just realized that I'm an emotional eater. I knew this in theory. However, now that I feel my sanity starting to be pieced back together and my life is getting back in order, I don't feel the constant need to binge. Once things get a little more settled, I'm going to really invest in some counseling because I've been battling borderline eating disorders since I was 11 or 12 years old. I remember being on a sports team in junior high school, and after our 2-3 hour practice, I would go home and ride my exercise bike for 2 more hours. Maybe I'll write a post about my border line eating issues that plague me. If I were to label my baggage from childhood that has followed me to adulthood, this is it.
Lastly, I'm really trying not to date. I told myself post-break up that I wanted a year to myself. Somehow I kinda have a date tomorrow with an older guy. If I told you how I met him and what kind of guy it is, you would shake your head. Sometimes you have to take what I write/say with a grain of salt because I'm fickle as hell - meaning I will love you, hate you, and admire you in the same minute. Literally. Anyway, it hasn't been a year yet and I surely don't want to get into another serious relationship right now. I'm just starting to piece myself together after letting myself get lost in a relationship. But, there is this other guy that is kinda digging me right now and I'm kind of giving hima hard time. But, i shouldn't because he's really cool, but why are guys trying to get to know me. Maybe I should put my baby toe in the dating pool?
I've decided that I definitely don't want to get married in my 20s. I need these last few years in my 20s to myself. I'm so glad I haven't gotten married too young.
Right now, I just have reflections of the way life used to be. My mind is so all over the place right now.
Secondly, I'm all late in the game, but I just saw Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married and dude has stepped up his game 98 fold. I actually enjoyed it, although, I'm not a fan of Janet as an actress, she does not evoke enough emotion for me. But, Jill did well. I was feeling that movie.. crying and laughing. I don't relate to any particular character, but I feel my matinee money was spent well, albeit late in the season.
I just realized that I'm an emotional eater. I knew this in theory. However, now that I feel my sanity starting to be pieced back together and my life is getting back in order, I don't feel the constant need to binge. Once things get a little more settled, I'm going to really invest in some counseling because I've been battling borderline eating disorders since I was 11 or 12 years old. I remember being on a sports team in junior high school, and after our 2-3 hour practice, I would go home and ride my exercise bike for 2 more hours. Maybe I'll write a post about my border line eating issues that plague me. If I were to label my baggage from childhood that has followed me to adulthood, this is it.
Lastly, I'm really trying not to date. I told myself post-break up that I wanted a year to myself. Somehow I kinda have a date tomorrow with an older guy. If I told you how I met him and what kind of guy it is, you would shake your head. Sometimes you have to take what I write/say with a grain of salt because I'm fickle as hell - meaning I will love you, hate you, and admire you in the same minute. Literally. Anyway, it hasn't been a year yet and I surely don't want to get into another serious relationship right now. I'm just starting to piece myself together after letting myself get lost in a relationship. But, there is this other guy that is kinda digging me right now and I'm kind of giving hima hard time. But, i shouldn't because he's really cool, but why are guys trying to get to know me. Maybe I should put my baby toe in the dating pool?
I've decided that I definitely don't want to get married in my 20s. I need these last few years in my 20s to myself. I'm so glad I haven't gotten married too young.
Right now, I just have reflections of the way life used to be. My mind is so all over the place right now.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Am I a heathen or just Hip to the Game?
I went to dinner this evening with my sister and her husband. We were just chitchatting and shooting the shit. We discussed a friend of theirs who is 30 years old, single, without children, and caught up in church. At one point, she was tithing about $500 a month and not paying some of her bills so that she could tithe. She dated a preacher's son who was a player and didn't believe he was cheating on her until she found a sex tape with him doing ungodly things with one of her good friends.
My brother-in-law asked me where is a good place for someone in their late 20s/early 30s to meet a potential romantic partner. I told him that church is the last place I would look. Every time I go to church, I see a bunch of adulterers, womanizers, lesbians, child molesters and closeted homosexuals acting like their shit doesn't stink. I acknowlege that my fornicating self is a sinner and I don't try to front like I'm holier than thou leading a double life. My sister's husband LOL'd because I'm the first person he's ever heard say that doesn't want a church-going man.
I told him that there are a lot of false prophets out there who are leading blind and weak sheep. I don't want to be with blind weak sheep that's probably gay or a womanizer. Now, I know black people love some church and many will consider this post to be heresy and blasphemous and a sign of the devil yadda yadda yadda. However, I have encountered many people who put on blinders when it comes to church and can't see the Don Magic Juan or zesty Antoine from Men on Film sitting right next to them. Can someone explain this whole super church phenomenon to me? Churches have become corporations. In certain areas, we have former rappers and entertainers preaching and putting on a good performance to get rich off poor and middle class people's backs. Preachers are now like record companies trying to rape the struggling artists out there (the masses.) And the church goers grin and bare it because they are so afraid of not getting a piece of the promised pie. I've seen many decent individuals damn near sell their souls to get put on by the label, I mean, the church.
I know lots of people will say that their church is different and their preacher is saved and holy and parted the red sea. Riight. I'm not doubting that there are some good preachers and church folk out there. But, the majority that I've encountered all over the country have been some sheisters. Take a step back and look at your surroundings. I'm sure that Christianity is not about bling bling and materialism, yet I personally know members of those big super churches who have used church money to buy the pastor's Mercedes and BMWs. Why is your preacher rocking an Armani suit? Why is the congregation rolling up there trying to stun't and show off to one another? So many churches have become a fashion show/ promotion of living above your means and materialism. Pastor, minister, deacon, etc. sleeping with half the congregation. Something in the milk ain't clean. What happened to humility and taking it back to the basics - love and devotion? It's so damned fake and haughty, I can't stand it. Hell, this is part of the reason why G.W. B.ush got elected the last two times. The masses falling for a false hustlin' ass trying to get his paper prophet. Human beings are imperfect and I understand that people make mistakes. However, when you tie religion, self-righteousness, hyprocrisy, and profits in the mix, it just goes for a not-so-pleasant recipe. Sinning Monday - Saturday and immediately after church service concludes on Sunday. So, there's a general 5 hour period of "holiness" on Sundays right before and during church service that immediately is cut off until the following week. Do NOT want.
I am an avid reader and researcher who looks for truth, honesty, loyalty, and genuity. My family instilled values and morals within me and I am definitely NOT a hypocrite nor am I perfect. I understand that in the eyes of Christianity, I am a sinner and I accept that. I'm no better than anyone else. Judge not lest be judged first. I get that. To each his own. I'm not knocking anyone for going to church, and I'm NO atheist or agnostic trying to make a mockery of Christianity.
However, I can't get with a man who can look around and be comfortable with mixing with a bunch of idle hypocrites in church. I can't help but side eye a lot of church folk, especially the church going men I've encountered. The men that I know who value, appreciate, and practice monogamy are not harlem shaking down the church aisles with a twinkle in their eyes. The rampant hypocrisy, lying, cheating, stealing, dishonesty, and overall nastiness that I've witnessed in various congregations through personal experience and watching the experiences of others has made me apt to run away if I were to meet a man that was deeply involved in church. This is also why I would never date a politician. How can you sit there and be self-righteous and arrogant when so many so-called "saved" individuals behave in a worse/ less Christian-like manner than the so-called infidels they look down upon?
Call me a heathen if you want to, but I'm not falling for the game.
My brother-in-law asked me where is a good place for someone in their late 20s/early 30s to meet a potential romantic partner. I told him that church is the last place I would look. Every time I go to church, I see a bunch of adulterers, womanizers, lesbians, child molesters and closeted homosexuals acting like their shit doesn't stink. I acknowlege that my fornicating self is a sinner and I don't try to front like I'm holier than thou leading a double life. My sister's husband LOL'd because I'm the first person he's ever heard say that doesn't want a church-going man.
I told him that there are a lot of false prophets out there who are leading blind and weak sheep. I don't want to be with blind weak sheep that's probably gay or a womanizer. Now, I know black people love some church and many will consider this post to be heresy and blasphemous and a sign of the devil yadda yadda yadda. However, I have encountered many people who put on blinders when it comes to church and can't see the Don Magic Juan or zesty Antoine from Men on Film sitting right next to them. Can someone explain this whole super church phenomenon to me? Churches have become corporations. In certain areas, we have former rappers and entertainers preaching and putting on a good performance to get rich off poor and middle class people's backs. Preachers are now like record companies trying to rape the struggling artists out there (the masses.) And the church goers grin and bare it because they are so afraid of not getting a piece of the promised pie. I've seen many decent individuals damn near sell their souls to get put on by the label, I mean, the church.
I know lots of people will say that their church is different and their preacher is saved and holy and parted the red sea. Riight. I'm not doubting that there are some good preachers and church folk out there. But, the majority that I've encountered all over the country have been some sheisters. Take a step back and look at your surroundings. I'm sure that Christianity is not about bling bling and materialism, yet I personally know members of those big super churches who have used church money to buy the pastor's Mercedes and BMWs. Why is your preacher rocking an Armani suit? Why is the congregation rolling up there trying to stun't and show off to one another? So many churches have become a fashion show/ promotion of living above your means and materialism. Pastor, minister, deacon, etc. sleeping with half the congregation. Something in the milk ain't clean. What happened to humility and taking it back to the basics - love and devotion? It's so damned fake and haughty, I can't stand it. Hell, this is part of the reason why G.W. B.ush got elected the last two times. The masses falling for a false hustlin' ass trying to get his paper prophet. Human beings are imperfect and I understand that people make mistakes. However, when you tie religion, self-righteousness, hyprocrisy, and profits in the mix, it just goes for a not-so-pleasant recipe. Sinning Monday - Saturday and immediately after church service concludes on Sunday. So, there's a general 5 hour period of "holiness" on Sundays right before and during church service that immediately is cut off until the following week. Do NOT want.
I am an avid reader and researcher who looks for truth, honesty, loyalty, and genuity. My family instilled values and morals within me and I am definitely NOT a hypocrite nor am I perfect. I understand that in the eyes of Christianity, I am a sinner and I accept that. I'm no better than anyone else. Judge not lest be judged first. I get that. To each his own. I'm not knocking anyone for going to church, and I'm NO atheist or agnostic trying to make a mockery of Christianity.
However, I can't get with a man who can look around and be comfortable with mixing with a bunch of idle hypocrites in church. I can't help but side eye a lot of church folk, especially the church going men I've encountered. The men that I know who value, appreciate, and practice monogamy are not harlem shaking down the church aisles with a twinkle in their eyes. The rampant hypocrisy, lying, cheating, stealing, dishonesty, and overall nastiness that I've witnessed in various congregations through personal experience and watching the experiences of others has made me apt to run away if I were to meet a man that was deeply involved in church. This is also why I would never date a politician. How can you sit there and be self-righteous and arrogant when so many so-called "saved" individuals behave in a worse/ less Christian-like manner than the so-called infidels they look down upon?
Call me a heathen if you want to, but I'm not falling for the game.
